Dias Ex Machina Games

GREG: “We need to find this Doctor. He’s hiding somewhere in the forests of Columbia.”
SHARRON: “That should be easy to find.”
GREG: “You think so?”
SHARRON: “Just look from space…he has a #$%^& computer…and I assume a lab full of flying monkeys.”

SHARRON: “I kick him in the junk!”
GM: “Its an android…it has no junk.”
SHARRON: “No junk?”
GM: “Well…maybe sausage, but no potatoes.”
BEN: “He’s got prizes…but no cash!”

SHARRON: “Luckily I called my contacts and they know we are coming.”
GM: “Did you?”
SHARRON: “I thought that was obvious.”
GM: “Nope…anything else?”
SHARRON: “In that case, I also poop before I leave.”

SHARRON: Ben, pump off a couple.”
BEN: “Never say pump off to me again.”

SHARRON: “How do you do a trip?”
BEN (Seriously thinking they are helpful): “Trip attack.”
GREG (Actually seriously thinking they are helpful): “Yeah, trip attack.”
(Pause)
SHARRON: “That is the most useless thing you have ever said.”

(Sharron hangs the bad guy out of the helicopter.)
SHARRON: “Can you SWIM!?”
(He tosses him out, he lands on concrete.)
SHARRON: “Too bad, cause THAT AIN’T WATER!!”

GM: “What are you guys doing tomorrow?”
GREG: “Yelling Woot.”
SHARRON & GREG: “WOOT!!!”

SHARRON: “My attack bonus is 11.”
GREG: “Mine’s 2.”
SHARRON: “Well, that includes everything though.”
GREG: “…mine’s 2.”

GREG: “We get on the boat.”
SHARRON: “We have a boat?”
GREG: “What did you think we were on?”
SHARRON: “I thought we just rode Ben’s back and paddled.”

SHARRON: “Did anybody survive Brett’s team?”
GM: “Yeah, two guys.”
GREG: “Their names?”
GM: “Bob…and…um…Billy…”
GREG: “Redcoats.”
GM: “Well, Billy’s wife is expecting their second child. They are both good friends really. They have a fishing trip planned to Alberta next week. It's Bob’s birthday and it somewhat of a tradition. They are both married and hang out often. Bob is also retiring in three days. Billy has organized a retirement party they are going to throw the moment they return from this perilous mission.
GREG: “Yeah, why don’t we just hold them back and see what happens.”
SHARRON: “Great, they’ll just die of their own accord.”
GREG: “A gator kills them.”
SHARRON: “Or one gets scurvy and tries to eat the other.”
GREG: “And we have to put him down for the betterment of mankind.”
SHARRON: “Does scurvy even make someone do that?”

SHARRON: “Did anybody survive Brett’s team?”
GM: “Yeah, two guys.”
GREG: “Their names?”
GM (off the top of his head): “Bob… and… um… Billy…”
GREG: “Redcoats.”
GM: “Well, Billy’s wife is expecting their second child. They are both good friends really. They have a fishing trip planned to Alberta next week. It's Bob’s birthday and it's somewhat of a tradition. They are both married and hang out often. Bob is also retiring in three days. Billy has organized a retirement party they are going to throw the moment they return from this perilous mission.
GREG: “Yeah, why don’t we just hold them back and see what happens.”
SHARRON: “Great, they’ll just die of their own accord.”
GREG: “A gator kills them.”
SHARRON: “Or one gets scurvy and tries to eat the other.”
GREG: “And we have to put him down for the betterment of mankind.”
BEN: “Does scurvy even make someone do that?”

SHARRON: “Meat Seeking Missiles!!”

GREG: “Okay, there are three Wetwear computers in Japan. Ben, that’s your job to find them.”
BEN: “There are three computers?”
GREG: “Yes…”
BEN: “Where?”
(pause)
GREG: “That’s your job!!”

SHARRON: “My attack bonus is 11.”
GREG: “Mine’s 2.”
SHARRON: “Well, that includes everything though.”
GREG: “…mine’s 2.”

GM: “How much damage do you do?”
BEN: “Sixny two.”
GM: “Sixny two?”
GREG: “Can you not pronounce anything right?”

GM: “Okay, the 10 mm Gattling cannon hits you, Ben.”
BEN: “How much?”
(GM rolls…)
GM: “56 points of damage.”
(Ben holds in shock)
GM: “Just throw that character out…then make another character and throw that one out to.”
GREG: “The damage kills you and your next character.”

(Sharron hangs the bad guy out of the helicopter.)
SHARRON: “Can you SWIM!?”
(He tosses him out, he lands on concrete.)
SHARRON: “Too bad, cause THAT AIN’T WATER!!”

GM: “What are you guys doing tomorrow.”
GREG: “Yelling Woot.”
SHARRON & GREG: “WOOT!!!”

SHARRON: “Like a religious emperor…like…Popeltine!”
GREG: “Popeltine…sounds like a drink mix.”
SHARRON: “Drink Popeltine…so you can grow up to be a big and strong pope!”

BEN: “I point my railcannon at the driver and I scream for him to get out of the jeep.”
DRIVER: “Your railcannon is out of ammo!”
SHARRON: “Son, I want you to think real hard about what you just said.”

BEN: “My Raicannon’s name is Lucille.”
SHARRON: ”Isn’t your pistol Lucille?”
BEN: “Yeah…”
SHARRON: “You named your Railcannon after your other gun?”

SHARRON: “Like a religious emperor…like…Popeltine!”
GREG: “Popeltine…sounds like a drink mix.”
SHARRON: “Drink Popeltine…so you can grow up to be a big and strong pope!”

GREG: “You know, it's actually cheaper in Africa to buy and throw away an AK-47 then there is to reload it because the weapons come with a clip. You could just toss it away. Just fire it until it's empty and grab another.
SHARRON: “Kinda makes transport difficult.”
BEN: “Hell, no! I’ll just build a robot that follows me around carrying AK-47s.”
GREG: “Listen to what you just said…you want to build a robot that carries AK-47s. Why don’t you just put…I don’t know…a laser…on this robot.”

GM: “The door's name has been scratched off. It's been replaced by a single word. PAIN"
GREG: “Is there a room called HAPPY? Let's find that one.”
SHARRON: “Maybe it's an acronym…Please Access In…Norway?”

GM: “You blow past the barriers like…”
GREG: “…like a fat man brushing past the lettuce in the buffet.”

GREG: “We go in stealthy.”
GM: “OK…you see the living room and kitchen. It's empty. Two doors lead to bedrooms.”
BEN: “What's in the Fridge? Open the fridge…what's in it.”
GM: “Not much…just a few cans of caviar.”
GREG: “Oh, I eat them. I tear them open and throw the cans away.”
(Greg mouth gapes in awe)
GM: “…And Greg is stunned silent…”
GREG: “My God…why did we hire you?!”
BEN: “Hey, I have an Int 10.”
GREG: “Int 10 doesn’t mean stupid!”
BEN: “They’re obviously not here.”
GREG: “WE CHECKED TWO ROOMS!”
BEN: “And I checked the Fridge.”
SHARRON: “Fridge clear, Ben?”

CHRIS: "Can you call for help?"
CONAN: "HELP!!"
CHRIS: "I could have done that!!"

CAM : "Okay…by the end of the night, you all end up at the same place..."
CONAN: "...Prison?"

CONAN: "I've never wanted to fling poop in your eyes more."

GREG: “Don’t take his head off now.”
BEN: “He’s a cyborg; I’ll just screw it back on.”
GREG: “It's not a lugnut.”
SHARRON: “You give him a Benectomy!”
GM: “I don’t think that’s possible.”
SHARRON: “Just break the laws…of…meat.”

GREG: “We’ll need cops to guard the exits.”
BEN: “Yeah…get some cannon fodder.”
SHARRON: “We’ll get experience for the when they die, right?”
GM: “You don’t get experience for sending others to their deaths.”
SHARRON: “HORSE$&%@!”

GM: “What happened to his eye?”
SHARRON: “He was hit in the eye with a pig anus.”
GM: “Pardon?!”
SHARRON: “It’s a gummy treat.”
GM: “Thank god.”
SHARRON: “What's amazing is that he had his hand out. It just phased right through his hand.”

BEN: “We could cross nuts with tobacco…”
SHARRON: “Tobbacnuts!!”

BEN: “Go through the windows.”
GM: “It's bulletproof.”
BEN: “GO through the neighbour's window and go through the wall.”
SHARRON: “Think about that for a second.”

MIKE: "I tell them to stop fighting." CAM : "What do you say?"
MIKE: "Hey you...STOP FIGHTING!"
CAM : "Make your diplomacy roll."
MIKE: "22"
CAM : "Your diplomacy roll translates your speech to say something better."

(An army approaches the gates)
GUARD ONE: "Hey Bob. How much are you paid?"
GUARD TWO: "25 an hour. You?"
ONE: "Same…worth it?"
TWO: "Nope…"
ONE: "Agreed."

CAM (GM): "The Vardash comes down. It doesn’t really cleave the man's skull. The 60 lb. blade crushes his skull...like--"
CHRIS: "Like you know Gallagher...you know the comic Gallagher? Just picture him....getting HIT with a Vardash!"

CHRIS (Fighter): “Dammit, I can’t roll well.”
CONAN (Healer): “F@#$ you, I almost killed a man.”

CHRIS: “You want to live forever?!!
CONAN: “Umm…little bit.”
SCHUYLER: “Come on! Daddy needs a new pair of killing that guy!”

CHRIS: “My weapon is charged up.”
CONAN: “And I am loaded.”
CHRIS: “Wouldn’t it be better if you weren’t drunk?”

Nikita: "IT’S A MECHA! By definition it's not real. So I want one--"
GM: "Yeah…wielding axes..."
Nikita: "So…mecha are not real…so who cares about an axe?"
GM: "So…we have this big super advanced culture that can build mechs…and we put…I don’t know…let's put an axe on it."
Nikita: "Shit yeah!"
GM: "Hmmm….Why not a laser, or some other kind of gun."
Nikita: "How about a gun that fires axes!"
GM: "That’s more dumb. You are going to make a gun…that fires axes! Wouldn’t there be an issue of ammo?"
Nikita: "Make it a big gun…"
GM: "….that fires axes…You’re the warrior from Gauntlet, you know that?"
Nikita: "How about an energy gun that fires bolts of energy shaped like axes."
GM: "F#$% off…"
Nikita: "Why not?"
GM: "Right…so a scientist is going to make a weapon--"
Nikita: "COULD HAPPEN!"
GM: "Hey Jimmy…about that gun you made. I am all about the destruction and all…but don’t you think you could have spent your time just making a laser and not a laser that fire axe shaped chunks of light."
Nikita: "Well frank there made a mecha."
GM: "No axe."
Nikita: "F@#% no…I want two. Coming out the sides. And one in the head."
GM: "Why—"
Nikita: "Even better have a hand in the head that throws the axe. Like his head splits open and a little hand pops up."
GM: "Listen to yourself. I seriously think that no part of your brain is actually doing the talking. The right brain goes to the left, “What are you saying?” and the left brain goes…”I dunno, I thought you were doing the talking.” “Well if you are not…and I am not…then why the hell are we speaking?!”
Nikita: "--Or an axe that transforms into an even bigger axe…oh NOO…I am the axe. Someone just throws me…or my arms detach and throw me."
GM: "Kinda an inertia issue on that one."
Nikita: "Make a bigger mech that throws me."
GM: "Then why are you in the mech…kinda useless now, aren’t you. And where we going to get the giant mecha that throws the smaller mech shaped like an axe?"
Nikita: "I dunno…that your problem."
GM: "And if you miss…you are basically out of it."
Nikita: "No way…cause then I just detonate the nuke."
GM: "YOU DON’T HAVE A NUKE!"
Nikita: "I’ll pay for it."
GM: "You can’t afford it."
Nikita: "Yes I can."
GM: "It would cost so much, you would not have enough to make a mecha with two axes…or even one...

Later...

GM: "...So you have an axe shaped mecha wielding two axes with a gun that fires miniature axes...and you’re complaining I make gay designs…"

CHRIS: “Be quiet for five minutes and you get to go to heaven.”
CONAN: “When does that start?”

GM: “Okay the final blow of a flurry is dealt and the Hydra dies.”
CECE: “I want an autopsy.”
CONAN: “Why?”
CECE: “I want to know which one of us killed it!”
GM: “Okay…hmm…oddly enough it drowned…

SCHUYLER: “I want Orange Juice…”
GM: “Oh…Thanks…for a second I thought you said horse juice…”

GM: “Okay…battle over. What now?”
CAM: “I gather information.”
SCHUYLER: “I gather teeth.”

CHRIS: “I throw my sword into the wall. Maybe that will deter them.”
GM: “Make an intimidation roll.”
CHRIS: “11”
GM: “OK, the sword passes through the wall and into the bathroom.”
CHRIS: “What?!”
CONAN: “Yeah, some help you guys are, He bought a round of drinks and he threw his sword into the washroom.”
CHRIS: “I was not aware the walls were that bad.”
CONAN: “You threw the sword into the can…OCCUPIED!!! OCCUPIED!!”

GM: “He just knocked him out”
SCHUYLER: “Who was that?”
GM: “Phillip.”
SCHUYLER: “What’s this place called?”
GM: “Phillip’s”
SCHUYLER: “F@#$…”

CAM: “ Iceland is what happens when you leave a small group of human on an island for a thousand years. You have a small gene pool…and then you dump herring in it.”

Chris and Schuyler leave the gaming room. Later, Chris returns and re-enters the game…
CHRIS: “Anyways…”
CAM : “You are not here!”
CHRIS: “When did I leave?”
CAM : “I told you to go?”
CHRIS: “This is what I miss when I go for a drink.”
GM: “Okay so Kazaan mutters to calm the conversation, It’s my fault for mixing politics and wine.”
CHRIS: “I agree, but his comments—“
CAM : “You’re not here!”
CHRIS: “F$%@!”

CAM (to Schuyler): Take some of these Refugees to the doctor to look at them.”
SCHUYLER: “Okay, I take the cutest ones…”
GM: “Okay, you bring them both to the doctor. She examines them. After a while, she starts reporting…'That’s amazing…they have the same diffraction pattern in their bones as we do meaning they were developed from Magic as well. Which means it’s highly unlikely they can contract human disease.'”
SCHUYLER: “So they’re clean…I mean healthy?

CHRIS: “I promise I will not touch the ancient holy relic.”
CAM : “No, yeah. I don’t believe you.”

CAM : “I thought you were supposed to interrogate him?”
CONAN: “If he is allowed to talk, I don’t know what to do.”
CAM : “It’s been fifteen minutes.”
CONAN: “I would be done by now if you let me hurt him!”

SCHUYLER: “What a clever remark.”
CAM: “Savour the delicate flavour.”
SCHUYLER: “Roll it around my mouth.”
CONAN: “I’ll roll something around your mouth.”

SCHUYLER: “I’m gonna punch him so hard, he’s gonna wish I never punched him!!”

CONAN: “Anything behind us?”
GM: “No—“
CONAN: “They’re after us.”

GM: “Teryn is here as well.”
CONAN: “I flank with her.”
CAM : “I am already flanking with her.”
CONAN: “Can I flank with her this round and you can have her next round?”
SCHUYLER: “You get sloppy seconds.”

(After Conan’s Druid casts flame wall.)
GM: “Now you need to escape…”
CONAN: “I jump through the fire.”
CHRIS: “Why don’t you dispel it?”
CONAN: “Oh yeah.”

GM: “You cleave through the Ninja like a hot knife…through Ninja.”

SCHUYLER: “Which one is more hurt?”
GM: “You can’t tell.”
SCHUYLER: “I can’t?”
GM: “Make a spot check.”
SCHUYLER: “7…Grog not know which one hurt more…”

CHRIS: “I just heard from my wife.”
CONAN: “You have a wife?”
GM: “Lay off the guy.”
CHRIS: “Yes”
CONAN: “You’re male!?”
GM: “Leave it--”
SCHUYLER: “Their Lesbians.”
GM: “Jesus, guys. Drop it and move on!!”

SCHUYLER: “Let’s split up!”
CAM : “NO!”
SCHUYLER: “We can cover more ground.”
CAM : “Are you insane! Have you not learned anything from….anything!?”
SCHUYLER: “I am just saying it would be faster.”
CONAN: “NO!”
SCHUYLER: “FINE!”

(Chris’s Character is named Seiki)
CAM : “We need four pilots to go along with you.”
CONAN: “Fine, I’ll take three of our good friends…and Seiki….”

GM: “You have a spark in your—“
CONAN: “Spork?”
GM: “Spark!”
CONAN: “Ohhhh!!!!”
CONAN: “No you have the clever blending of fork and spoon. INGENIOUS!!”
CAM : “I don’t know to stab you with my fork or gouge your eyes out with a spoon. There are so many options!”

CONAN: “We need to go to the Yarix ship to warn them.”
CAM: “Just call them.”
CONAN: “Oh right, this is future. We have phones!”

CONAN: “Who was he?”
CAM: “He played that pirate in Pirates of the Carribean.”
CONAN (sarcastic and deadpan): “That’s amazing…”

SCHUYLER: “He really sworded you pretty good.”

CAM: “Look!”
Schuyler looks at Cam
CAM: “Don’t look at the HAND! Look where I am pointing!”

GM: “We need a tactics roll…who has ranks.”
CAM: “I have six.”
CHRIS: “Eight.”
SCHUYLER: “I have nineteen in Tactics.”
CAM: “Jesus @#$%^& Christ.”

CHRIS: “Are we going to be honorable?”
CONAN: “No—“
CHRIS: “…or assholes?”
CONAN: “Yes.”

CAM: “We need a solution to rescue Issac.”
CONAN: “Nah, just let him escape on his own.”
CAM: “He’s not here so the player cannot escape.”
CONAN: “Ahh, let just assume he escapes on his own.”

CAM: “Oh god, this is going to be just like that scene in Last Starfighter where the guys head melted away isn’t it?”

GM: “He has the floor.”
CONAN: “PUT IT BACK!”
MIKE: “I can walk on walls. He can have it.”

GM: “You bird flies back.”
MIKE: “What did you see?”
GM: “KAKAAW!”
MIKE: “We can communicate.”
CONAN: “KAKAAW! What is it? KAKAAW!! Angry? KAKAAW! Aroused?”

GM: “You have been called by Queen”
CONAN: “Queen…they’re still around.”
CAM : “Freddy Mercury’s back.”
CONAN: “Zombie Mercury.”

GM: “You see what looks like a Gibbering Mouther that has had its skin wrapped around a humanoid skeleton. This massive beast can be seen lumbering away in another direction.”
CONAN: “I may be grasping at straws, but my instinct says we should leave it alone.”
SCHUYLER: “He may just be taking home a jug of milk for the wife.”

CHRIS: “He already has a scythe.”
GM: <Sigh>
CAM : “Oh that’s awful.”

SCHUYLER: “Oh Jesus, why don’t you get captured and bitch about it some more!”
MIKE: “You know what, I will!!!”

CAM : “Find, you stay, Nikita and I will debrief Issac.”
CHRIS: “But he’s already not wearing pants…”

CAM: “Pass the three-hole punch.”
SCHUYLER: “I’ll show you a three hole punch.”
CAM: “Three new holes or three old holes?”

CHRIS: “It's totally useless me being inside the enemy docking bay. I can’t do enough damage.”
CONAN: “How many kills does it have?”
GM: “400.”
CONAN: “How much damage can you do in a round?”
CHRIS: “180.”
CONAN: “So only half the ship is damaged in a round. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
CHRIS: “I can do that outside.”
CONAN: “No...Outside, you still miss on a 1 and 2.”
CAM: “I can’t believe I only AUTOMATICALLY HIT.”

CONAN: “I check the radar.”
GM: “Make a spot check.”
CONAN (rolls): “…Umm…Oh look…tomatoes."

CONAN: “I took the hit on the shield…well, by shield, I mean face.”

GM: “So Teryn casts Hide from Undead.”
CAM: “Okay…so don’t touch anything.”
(LATER)
GM: “You enter a room; there are six pillars…on each one a corpse is splayed across.”
SCHUYLER: “I touch one.”
CAM: “What? Don’t touch it!”
SCHUYLER: “Whatever… (poke)”
GM: “It opens its eyes and attacks you!”
CONAN: “Zombies!”
SCHUYLER: “Wait…I though the cleric had the spell so they don’t pick us up?”
CHRIS: “You touched one….it dispels it.”
SCHUYLER: “I didn’t know that!”
CAM: “I told you not to touch anything!”
SCHUYLER: “I didn’t hear that part.”