Dias Ex Machina Games

GM: "Up ahead, you see a mountain that has no reason being there."
Brad: "You have NO BUSINESS HERE MOUNTAIN!"
GM: "I mean it stands out from the other hills around it."
Brad: "F%#@ YOU MOUNTAIN! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!"

Conan (To Chris): "What's your Int?"
Chris: "Nine."
Conan: "That's sub-retarded."
Chris: "My charisma is 16. Just my Wis and Int are 7. LOOK, some of us didn't roll friggin 14s as their lowest stat. Hey, at least I got all my teeth!"
Grayson: "Let's be honest. You're a barbarian. Some of them are not all yours."
Chris: "They're mine now!"

GM: "The fortune teller pinches your nose with his index and middle finger, sticks his thumb through the crack and says 'Hey, go your nose'.”
Grayson: "OH MY GOD, GIVE IT BACK!”
GM: "He then opens his hand and within it rests a magic crystal."
Grayson: "Oh my god, you turned my nose into a crystal!"
Conan: "What are you, some kind of idiot savant?!"

Grayson: "Can you tell my future?"
GM: "Yes."
Grayson: "Will I die?"
Conan: "God I hope so!"
GM: "Yes."
Grayson: "Damn it, When?"
GM: "Could be an hour…or in 500 years."
Grayson: "Oh for God sakes!"

Conan: "I dropped my dice
Brad: "Don’t be a lazy bastard, baconstrips. Turn around and pick them up!"

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

(At a funeral for another player's dead PC)
GM: "Should you have a moment of silence?"
Desmond: "Anyone want to say any words?"
Conan: "Umm…he hated me. He blamed me for everything…and now he's dead."
Desmond: "He…died, like he lived…always complaining."
GM: "Maybe you should just have a moment of silence."

GM: "The note reads, 'Follow the giant rock'."
James: "Damn it, I hate this cryptic assholes! Why can't they just say something direct?!"
GM: "Or perhaps you should go in the direction of that giant rock over there."

James: "We can't frontal assault them."
Conan: "Well, we can.
James: Ok…let me rephrase that. We CAN'T frontal assault them.

Conan: "Can you heal Desmond?"
James: "No, I won't because he went off on his own even though I told them to stay close."
Desmond: "That's helpful."
Conan: "In all defense, James, you were the one that ran off. In fact, the only time in this entire encounter that Desmond has moved was when he was bull rushed by a Rhinoceros. In which case, you have to give it to him. In fact, unless my eyes deceive me, the Rhinoceros actually pushed Desmond towards YOU.

GM: "You have remembered every NPC except for one, the dwarf. What's his name?"
Conan: "Goggles."
GM: "His name is not Goggles—"
Conan: "Goggles McFatman."

Grayson: "Hi, I'm Gisseppe."
GM: "I'm Mira."
Grayson: "I'm Gisseppe… just… emphasizing that."

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

Brad: "Throw some grenades."
Conan: "I just used two."
Brad: "Well, use two more."
Conan: "I only have fourteen of these."
Brad: "WHAT?!"
GM: "So you whip open your coat to show two bandoliers with seven grenades each and say, 'I only have this many'!?"

Conan: "What level is thirteen."
GM: "Thirteen."
Conan: "…Yeah, I actually just said that."

Conan: "Why is everyone here taller than me?"
Desmond: "Because you are from the Future."

GM: "You approach the carriage. You look inside and see people chained to the walls."
Grayson: "You think they're slaves?"
Conan: "What do you think?"
Grayson: "It could be a bondage thing. Are you slaves? Are you consenting to this?"

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

DM: "OK, what are you all doing for water?"
Iman: "I have 14 freaking waterskins, only 5 of which are filled with blood"

(Though this was actually quite true and a point of tracking for the player throughout the adventure, this wa sone of the oddest things uttered at a game in recent memory...until the following one)

Haan: "Hm, kitten or baby hippo...OK, I load the kitten into my crossbow. Wait! I have Twin Strike! I load them both!"

(This actually made sense and was even somehow plausible within the context of the encounter. Most of the party had been transformed into baby animals, and could only get across the room to undo this by way of Great Crossbow. The DM was laughing too hard to object, so rolls were made and it happened. It was the best encounter ever.)

Desmond: "I roll to attack Mike. What's your AC?"
Mike: "28."
Desmond: "Hit, take 40 damage."
Mike: "Ok…that hurt."
Desmond: "That was a warning shot."
Mike: "It was a what?! Warning shots are supposed to miss you ASSHOLE!"

(Grayson's character is almost eaten by a monster that looked like a normal human. Suffice to say, he's not in a good mood. The group deals with the monster and returns to the one they have captured.)
Boy: "Where's Tessa?"
Grayson: "SHE'S $%&ING DEAD!!"
(Later)
Conan: "I can't kill her…we could let Grayson the ax-murderer do it."
Grayson: "$%&, yeah, I'll kill her."

Desmond: "His eyes are fixed and pupilated."
GM: "Pupilated?!"

GM: "There's a big wall of fire."
Desmond: "Can I hack into it?"
GM: "What?"
Desmond: "It’s a firewall."

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

Desmond: "Kairos is tracking us with our radio. He's listening on this frequency."
NPC: "That's not good."
Desmond: "So I need you to destroy the frequency."
NPC: "…I can't destroy 'frequency', Demond.:"

Conan: "Of god, one of those puggs is female."
Desmond: "We need to get them neutered…"
Grayson: "…Out of a cannon."

GM: "Your vehicle is stuck."
Desmond: "We're probably hung up. Someone go outside and take a look."
Grayson: "Hell no, I'm not going outside."
Desmond: "Just go."
Grayson: "You go."
Desmond: "No way, someone else do it."
Conan: "I can't believe you kill monsters FOR A LIVING, but none of you will look underneath a car."

Chris: "I'm amazed any of you has seen the wet side of a woman."

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

GM: "Lorne has vaporized."
Desmond: "Is he dead?"
GM: "You don't know."
Grayson: "If he's dead, he'll be furious."
Desmond: "He'll shoot us in the dick with ghost bullets."

Grayson: "Frankly, I'm not in the mood to get attacked by four-armed rape-apes again."
Conan: "Rape apes?! Those are awesome."
Desmond: "Maybe we can get them tamed."
GM: "Tamed rape-apes?"
Desmond: "Wouldn't they be more consensual sex apes, then?"

Conan: "We need an axe."
Desmond: "A magic axe?"
Grayson: "Any kind of axe, like a wood firing axe."
Conan: "Yeah, like a--wait, what? A wood-firing axe? Like an axe that fires wood from it?"
GM: "That sounds like a really unique item…doesn’t get a lot of use usually."
Conan: "Unless it fires wood violently, like braining someone at range with a log."

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

JILLIAN: "It was fantastic when James almost died. I was in tears."
GRAYSON: "I'll have to be updated on what I missed."
JAMES: "That's funny. I just get cheering when my characters die."
CONAN: "Oh, don't misunderstand, she was crying in laughter."
DESMOND: "James falls off the cliff. Everyone watches. Nobody goes after him. Well, guess James is dead."
GRAYSON: "Yes tears of laughter... not as many when the bees came into play.... but still."
GM: "It should be noted that when he says 'Well, James is dead,' James HADN'T actually fallen off the cliff yet. James was still sliding towards the cliff edge, within view of people that could save him."
JAMES: "They were all just watching me slide."
GM: "Yup, there he goes....that's tragic, GOD, THAT'S TRAGIC!"

GM: "You see what looks like a Japanese Junk…sigh…I mean those old Japanese boats from hundreds of years ago, but flying in the sky with two mammoth marble eagle wings strapped to its sides."
GRAYSON: "Oh, is there a Chinese guy inside?"
(Everyone's mouths drop…)

GM: "Which direction are you going?"
CONAN: "Just follow the compass."
GM: "Okay, roll for initiative."
CONAN: "Are we fighting Magnetic North?"

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

GM: "He's a vagrant."
CONAN: "Vabrant?"
GM: "No, vagrant."
CONAN: "OH!"
GM: "Why did you assume vabrant? I meant you heard something you didn't fully understand, and your brain rifled through all the possible options. You SKIPPED PAST vagrant and went to vabrant, which is NOT ACTUALLY A WORD!"

CONAN: "I just want to get home."
JILL: "Where's home?"
CONAN: "About 10,000 years in the past."
MIKE: (Put a caring hand on his shoulder) "Dude…you have to let that go."

CONAN: "That last fight was insane."
JAMES: "How did you guys not get killed?'
MIKE: "What happened, anyway?"
CONAN: "We were fighting an air elemental, but it just came down to us flanking this invisible monster, firing bullets through at each other."
GRAYSON: "And Lorne (Conan) was spinning around inside, firing in every direction, waving his hands around like McLeod from Highlander."
JAMES: "How did you guys not get killed?"

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

GRAYSON: "Well, these people I don't know very well; while you, you kinda know all this mystical stuff."
GM: "What…the science?"

JAMES: "How did you get 3 rd degree burns on your testicles?"
DESMOND: "PRACTICE!!"

GRAYSON: "Yeah, I had no idea we were going to be that bloodthirsty."
CONAN: "That's rich coming from someone that threw a warhammer towards a civilian."
GRAYSON: "I didn't kill anyone."
CONAN: "Only because you missed!"

GM: "His name is Kimsey Bubbs."
CONAN: "Can he be called Kimchi Bubbs?"
GM: "No."
CONAN: "Come on; he'll be Korean."

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com