Dias Ex Machina Games

From http://www.Serenadawn.com, Dias Ex Machina presents:

GREAT GAME QUOTES

These are taken from in-game character conversation, out of session anecdotes, and from conversations dealing with the game or gaming in general. This is pooled from nearly 10 years of game quote collecting...

Here are the quotes from the archive:
(I will try and mix up the old with the new)
___________________________________________________________________________

CHRIS: "I need to drop by your house to get that bag of potatoes cause that’s all I have to eat this week."
GM: "What the fuck are you, a SERF!?"

CONAN: “I cast dream and I tell him that for us to find him, he needs to climb to the highest hill and light a fire.”
GM: “Okay…you cast the spell and say what?”

CONAN: “Burn something and get high….wait”

GM: “The White dragon leans forward and says he will take you to the Foundation, but asks for a vow to uphold a favor when asked.”
CAM: “Very well, I swear an oath to—“
GM: “Yeah, good.”

GM: “You hear their language…just a sequence of pops and whistles.”
CONAN: “I don’t speak dutch.”

Malachi: “I’m not tugging anything. I’ve learned my lesson when I drank that jug of glue.”
Mischa: “No, that’s because you’re stupid.”

GM: “Yeah…he tortures you like…like…You remember Princess Bride?”
Chris: “You mean the HAPPY PARTS!!”

GM: “Everyone roll stealth.”
Conan: “18.”
Cam: “17.”
Chris: “9.”
GM: “Okay, listen checks.”
Chris: “15.”
GM: “Okay, you here them whispering.”
Chris: “What are they saying?”
GM: “They are saying you don’t have to sneak anymore.”

Malachi: “I’m not tugging anything. I’ve learned my lesson when I drank that jug of glue.”
Mischa: “No, that’s because you’re stupid.”

Mischa: “Simple, Buy ME a Heavy Warhorse…that leaves us with your ass …then we buy another Donkey…that leaves 85 gold to buy ME more stuff!”

CONAN: “I have this awesome plan. I move around this guy and it’s a big flanking line, then I get a bonus +2 to hit.”
DM: “Alright. I make a tumble. (Rolls) Made it. I am now flanking. I roll to hit. Miss. Second Attack. Miss. Third Attack. Miss…When we do something like this, you have to remember who’s involved.”

CAM: “The best way for a knight to get the attention of the princess during the joust is to beckon her to offer a favor to tie to his lance.”
CONAN: “Right. I’ll pass that onto our knight.”
CAM: “You see, what this means is she ties her vagina around his penis which he uses to hit other men with.”
CONAN: “You were beaten a lot in the competition today, weren’t you?”
CAM: “Yes I was.”

GM: “Okay, the creature misses you and you fall underneath its legs.”
<Misha revs up his Elemental Fist attack.>
MISCHA: “That’s it! Power attack! Fist go through, aiming right for Bang-Cock!”

CHRIS: “What does she look like?”
CONAN: “Well…big tits…and…big tits…”
CHRIS: “Sure it’s a woman then.”
CONAN: “Yeah well, the hair…”

CHRIS: “I use bruce force.”
GM: “Bruce Force?”
CHRIS: “I mumbled…brute force.”
CONAN: “Bruce Force once fought Chuck Norris and won…cause he’s Bruce Force.
CHRIS: “Yeah Bruce took on that fighter plane in the last Lethal Weapon.”
GM: “Bruce?!”
CHRIS: “Yeah…”
GM: “Lethal Weapon?!”
CHRIS: “I meant Die Hard.”
GM: “The man confused Die Hard with Lethal Weapon.”
CHRIS: “They’re the same thing.”
GM: “Of course they are…they both have someone named BRUCE!!”

MALACHI: “I start smokin’ some of those cool herbs he put in my wounds yesterday.”
MISCHA (shaking his head): “That’s the last time I heal you.”

GM: “Its hot now…The sun pounds from overhead. It passes 30 degrees C…its still a good 12 hours to town…”
MICHA: “Ohh, I’m gonna smell soooo good after today.”

CHRIS: “I’m a duke.”
GM: “No, you’re a baron.”
CHRIS: “You said duke! No take-back-sies!”
CONAN: “What are you the duke of then?”
CAM: “Duke of Jones.”
CONAN: “Duke of Earl.”
DESMOND: “Duke of Nukem.”

PSYCHIATRIST: “So you feel resentment for being abandoned?”
BEN: “My family sold me to corporation because they couldn’t pay their bills…what do you think?”
ROY: “They had a sign, “will produce children for food””
BEN: “Damned you randomly rolled profile.”

GM: “So you think you are not allowed to speak your mind. You have opinions, I am sure.”
BEN: “Whitey is keeping me down and keeping me up at the same time…”
GREG: “…I don’t get that…”

GM: “You hear screams from the cafeteria.”
ROY: “I call up Ben….Ben, what’s going on?”
BEN: “COFFEE MACHINE BURNT MEEE!!!!”
ROY: “Ok, just checking…”

AIDEN: “There are Doppelgangers in there, so we should maybe use some form of codeword to verify each other…
MISHA: “Yeah, You guys say, Don’t worry Misha, I’ll handle this, and I will laugh like an asshole.”

GM: (pointing to Misha): “Okay… he FINALLY emerges. The smell is overpowering!”
MALACHI: “What did you eat?!”
MISHA: “Lots and lots of salty pork.”

GM: “You can go: East, North, West.”
AIDEN: “I vote for Northwest.”
MISHA <imitating the Wizard>: “Ow, Ow, Ow…”(Shakes his head is disbelief) “…Fucking Wizards…”

AIDEN: “Hey, I took out five of them!”
MISHA: “Sleep doesn’t count. It’s like kicking someone in the junk!”

MALACHI: “Makes you wonder why these Kobolds were here.”
GM: “These were barracks, they sleep here…”
MALACHI: “Why didn’t I just sneak attack all of them.”
MISHA: “Cause you would have missed.”

GM: “You guys are in the center of a huge valley with shear cliffs to either side.”
URIEL: “What directions can we go?”
GM: “Well…definitely North. Definitely South.”
URIEL: “No shit, fucktard."

MISCHA: “I punch the Rogue.”
MALACHI: “I disbelieve your ass.”

URIEL: “I only need 200 xp for 6 th level. This fight will definitely do it!”
GM: “The Atatch criticals on you for 35 points of damage.”
URIEL: “Mother! I’m at –8!”
MISCHA: “What’s that you say? Level 4?!”

GM: “The poison saps twelve temporary strength. Your go now.”
MISCHA: “Okay…I rolled a 15 plus 8 for the level, plus 1 for the weapon, -2 cause life is gay…”

KAID (threatening): “I’ll shoot you!”
URIEL: “I’ll soak it and kill you.”

MISHA: “I remember Aiden. He used to clean me…I fucking hated it.”
KAID: “What kind of spell was that?”
MALACHI: “I think it was Bigby’s Febreeze Hand.”

AIDEN: “I’m a wizard. I’m totally useless in melee combat. I’ll get slaughtered.”
MISCHA: “Its not like you’re paying my wages or anything, get your ass up there.”

GM: “Why do you have a pickled cat?”
MISCHA: “How do you store YOUR animals?”

GM: “Okay, Misha, strike the Minotaur.”
MISHA: “Critical Threat!!” (Rolls again) “HIT! Critical damage! I’m so fucking good. 36 points of damage!”
GM: “Okay, he’s hurt…and pissed. He stomps his feat, preparing for a ram.”
MISCHA: “I’m dead.”
GM: “Okay, Misha, the Minotaur rams you for 18 points of damage..”
MISCHA: “Shit, negative 4…He’s mine! Somebody help me.”
CLERIC: “I attack the Minotaur.”
MISCHA: “No…he’s mine! Heal me.”
MALACHI: “I attack the Minotaur”
MISHA: “Fuck all of you, somebody help me!”
AIDEN: “I strike with a Ray of Frost…3 points of damage.
GM: “Okay, he’s dead.”
AIDEN: “WOOHOO!!”
MISHA: “Oh, you fucking asshole!”

GM: “You enter a room…you see a big depression…”
AIDEN: “THERE IS NO REASON TO LIVE!”
(long pause)
GM: “Fuck you. You’re being penalized for that one.”
AIDEN: “Hey, its bad pun week!”

MISCHA: “You got some threat there: Ohh, just wait till I level!”
GM: “She wields a scimitar.”
MISCHA: “I can use that. I wield my long sword and I also have my mastercraft great sword for cleaving.”
MALACHI: “Can you do anything with a rapier?”
MISCHA: “…floss…”

(The group welcomes a new PC, a Bard named Kaid. Kaid has something Gilran wants…)
GILRAN: “I give you a 1000 gp to kill the Bard.”
JEZZ (NPC): Why did you guys start a fight in the tavern?!
MISCHA: “Cause it was a form of initiation. Every member here joined through a bar fight.”
JEZZ: “But why the bard?!”
MISHA: “Cause HE’S the only new human in the room. HE is the new Player. We need an excuse to get him in the group!”
(Pause…)
GILRAN: “Either way, I give you 1000 gp to kill the Bard…”

KAID: “How is this bridge? Is it all rope?”
GM: “No it has wooden planks overtop of a slow moving stream.”
MISCHA: “I dangle the Bard over the edge and test for Trolls.”

GM: “A six headed Hydra steps forward.”
MISCHA: “We’re fucked.”
MALACHI: “Maybe its an illusion.”
MISCHA: “I actively hate the GM.”

(For an hour, three characters battle Shadows, Elementals, and a constantly splitting Ochre Jelly. The Shadows and Elementals were dispatched into smoke and gas, leaving no trace. Mischa sits stuck outside until a PC manages to successfully unlock the door)
GM (To Mischa): “Okay, the door finally opens. Malachi, Kaid, and Uriel run out. Malachi is out. Kaid is bloodied and bruised carrying him. Uriel battered, his strength drained. From behind them, four small jellies about the size of Kleenex boxes pursue.”
MISHA (Mouth gapes): “That’s it!” “Honestly, guys, this does not look very convincing. You couldn’t take on four pudding pops? Bill Cosby would be ashamed!”

MALACHI: “You guys take Electrum?”
INKEEPER (GM): No sir, we accept Platinum, Gold, Silver, Copper, and huge bags of shit.”

(Complete darkness)
KAID: “I take my potion of undead control”
URIEL: “You don’t know it’s undead.”
GM: “Yeah right.”
KAID: (to Uriel) “Okay, you’ve got to learn when to shut up.”

GM: “Okay, the robot back hands you for twenty points of damage and you fly thirty feet, headstrong into a tree--”
MISCHA: “—I cast resist tree.”

MALACHI: “Wait, Raven can’t move, she’s still paralyzed. You are going to leave her alone in the stable with Mischa?”
KAID: “Honestly, Malachi, I would be worrying about the horses’ purity.”

GM: “You see stacks of these brown rectangular things wrapped in clear plastic.”
MALACHI: “Looks like poo.”
KAID: “I think they’re rations.”
MISCHA: “Chocolate rations?”
KAID: “Maybe Chocolate.”
URIEL: “I vote for poo.”
MISCHA: “Okay, we have two guesses. Ones for Chocolate, the other’s poo. I would motion those who chose chocolate lead this group.”

MALACHI: “Ouch! Burned by a big floating head!”


MALACHI: “Why a Bard?”
MISCHA (loud): “I thought we needed a Bard to sing about my exploits ‘cause I am a fucking hero!”

(The group welcomes a new PC, a Bard named Kaid. Kaid has something Gilran wants…)
GILRAN: “I give you a 1000 gp to kill the Bard.”
JEZZ (NPC): Why did you guys start a fight in the tavern?!
MISCHA: “Cause it was a form of initiation. Every member here joined through a bar fight.”
JEZZ: “But why the bard?!”
MISCHA: “Cause HE’S the only new human in the room. HE is the new Player. We need an excuse to get him in the group!”
(Pause…)
GILRAN: “Either way, I give you 1000 gp to kill the Bard…”

KAID: “I don’t like the idea of the Paladin touching me….I mean he IS a holy man.”
GM: “He’s not Catholic…though he does lick his palms whenever he lays hands on you.”
MALACHI: “Ewwwwwwww….”

GM: “Renar Alkanost enters. He is 6000 years old and is 7 feet tall. A regal looking Grey Elf.”
MISHA: “Well, my Gay-dar is going off.”

AIDEN: “You see me turn into a gigantic 16 foot tall slender green being with huge wings…”
URIEL: “Great…Gay Hulk…”

GM: “So, the mage whips out a 25 foot long python.”
URIEL: “Holy Shit.”
MISCHA: “Excuse me!”
AIDEN: “It’s the staff, it can turn into a snake!”
URIEL: “Thank Christ you clarified that.”
MISCHA: “Mine’s still bigger.”

GM: “You see a mound of dirt on the ground”
MALACHI: “Mound? What’s that doing there?”
MISCHA: “Holy shit! There’s dirt in a dungeon!”

KAID: “He’s a Paladin…they are notoriously dumb.”
URIEL: “I have an Int of 16!”
KAID: “Albeit times 2 than the average Paladin”
URIEL: “I can tie my own shoes!!!”

URIEL: “We need to organize an intelligent defense…Oh…sorry…Int 10. We throw stuff at them.”

KAID: “I’m good at talking. You’re good at hitting things.”
MISCHA: “Better to hit things.”
KAID: “Luckily, I can talk faster than you can hit.”
MISCHA: “Fine, I’m going to start hitting you. You talk me out of it.”

MISCHA: “Yes, we’re leaving tomorrow.”
KAID: “We have to wait one more day.”
MISCHA: “Why?!”
KAID: “Iiiiiiii’m not done!”
MISCHA: “Sooooorrrry! It’s just the fate of the fucking world on the line. We’ll just wait around for your needs!”

GM (to Mischa): “You emerge from the bio-tube. All your scars are healed. They’re gone. You have no body hair and you now have a crew-cut.”
(Misha is devastated!)
KAID: “Does he get a bonus to Charisma?”
GM: “Why?”
KAID: “Cause’s he’s pretty now!”

GM: “If Mischa returns to Selkirk, the Shop Steward threatened to kick him in the nuts.”
KAID: “I’m gonna make a steel cup for Mischa cause of all the times people have threatened to kick him in the cock.”
MALACHI: “Problem with that, if he is in water, he will sink crotch-first.
MISCHA: “Like I wouldn’t already…I am Russian after all…”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

AIDEN: “He’s divvying up the bitches.”
URIEL (correcting): “HOES…”

MISCHA: “We are not here to kill everything in sight.”
KAID: “PARDON!?”

AIDEN: “You killed it!”
MISCHA: “Sorry, I thought it was a Leprechaun.”

MISCHA: “What did we just kill?”
AIDEN: “Two White Dragons.”
MISCHA: “Fuck we rule!”

MISCHA: “We’ve got all the useful stuff, you fucking mage.”
AIDEN: “You know Bull Strength is dismissible.”
MISCHA: “My foot in your ass isn’t!”

GM: “He starts to age rapidly. His body degrades. His face goes black and smells of putresance.”
AIDEN: So, he looked like a senior from Mischa’s village…
GM: “Man…even I thought that was mean…”

AIDEN: “How is everyone…OK? Uriel?”
URIEL: “I PEE BLOOD!”

KAID: “It’s not my fault your attuned Elvin ears couldn’t hear.”
MALACHI: “What did you say?”
MISCHA: “He called you needledick.”

GM: “Which way?”
AIDEN: “North”
MISCHA: “West had shiney.”
AIDEN: “Ohh….West”
MISCHA: “We corrupted the Mage.”

GM: “You detect a horrid smell.”
AIDEN: “Like Misha?”
GM: “More like a Corpse.”
AIDEN: “Better than Misha then…”

GM: “Make a track check.”
MISHA (rolls): NINE!
GM: “Okay. You basically know nothing.”
MISCHA (to the group): “Okay…we got a bugbear…in half plate…with a lingering knee injury he received in childhood…He has 45 copper in his pocket…and a broken mace…”
TASIA: “Ooooooooh”

MISCHA: “I wanted a class that could properly represent where I wanted to go as a character.”
URIEL: “No, you’re a big, gay, bastard who wanted more strength!”

URIEL: “If I am going to be a Paladin again, I am not fucking choosing Pelor…he’s a fucktard…they are all fucktards. All D&D gods are gay! How much could they know?!”
AIDEN: “Kord?”
URIEL: “HULK-SMASH!!”
AIDEN: “You could worship a Neutral God.”
URIEL: “Not with that name. WEEEEEEEjas…”
AIDEN: “I meant true Neutral.”
URIEL: “Oh great, the god of ‘fencesitters’.”

BARKEEP: “What can I get you?”
AIDEN: “Have any Juice?”
BARKEEP: “No…”
JONAS: “…how about Cool-Aid?”
BARKEEP: “No…”
AIDEN: “No juice?”
MISHA: “Aiden gets the taste of fruit all the time…”
AIDEN: “How do you get gay from that?”

AIDEN: “We need fire.”
MISCHA: “Crog like fire.”
URIEL: “Fire?”
MISCHA: “What?”
AIDEN: “Fire…Make fire. You’ve been able to do it for some time. Maybe not Uriel…”
URIEL: “Ohhhh…”


GM: “Yes, the innkeeper is ‘Olga.’ That big butch man is really a woman. If you need proof, she can take off her brazier but you run the risk of dying from getting hit in the head by an errant tit.”
MISCHA: “Try explaining that in Valhalla.”
GM: (pointing at Misha who just returned from the forest) “Okay, he comes back with bloody hands and a bag of raspberries.”
MISCHA: “Dinner is served…”

URIEL: “Max can’t get through the tunnel. He’s twenty feet tall. The tunnel is ten feet. That’s 10 Feet of ‘I DON’T QUITE FIT!’”

<Kobolds planning to get through the door>
URIEL: “Why doesn’t the big guy just hit the door?”
AIDEN: “Yeah, why doesn’t the big guy just hit the door?”
MISCHA: “That’s a good idea. Big guy, hit the door!”
KAID: “…You are the big guy.”
MISCHA: “…Ohhhhh…

MISCHA: “I just saved an Elf. If its anything like a wookie, he’s mine for life.”

Malachi awakes from being stone dead for more than an hour. He opens his eyes…
MALACHI (first words): “Ranger take all my stuff?”
PRIEST (GM): Yes, he did.”
MALACHI: “Fuck…”
MISCHA: “Hey, I saved your bitch ass!”

GM: “You find some Hodgeberries?”
MISHA: “Does this mean something?”
GM: “Nah, I rolled it.”
MISHA: “Well, I collect the randomly generated berries.”

GM: “He is not standing down. Time for an intimidation roll.”
(Marakis rolls…then addresses the NPC)
MARAKIS: “I WILL GUT YOUR FISH!”
(pause. Marakis slams his head on the table)
GM: “I think that was a failure.”

URIEL: “You see, getting louder DOES work.”
GM: “Hey, don’t bitch, you JUST got a 50XP bonus.”
URIEL: “THAT’S RIGHT!!”

GM: “Why did you do it?”
(Pointing at Uriel)
MISHA: “Its all his fault…he made me.”
URIEL: “DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!!”

AIDEN: “You light a man a fire, and he’s warm for a night. You light a man ON fire…and he’s warm for the rest of his life…”

JONAS: “I carry everything in my ass of holding.”
AIDEN: “If he stores his gold there, he can keep it.”

URIEL: “I summon celestial animals to help us escape!”
GM: “Okay (rolls)… You get a group of fiendish squid.”
AIDEN: “Well, we’re fucked…”
URIEL: “HEY, you know how fast you can move on a lubricated squid!?”
MISCHA: “It’s a wave of SLURRY!”

URIEL: "Holy attention span, batman!"
AIDEN: "I DO have a good attention span...(tap) (tap)... Knock on wood-Ohh...excuse me."

GM: "Mischa returns with Uriel..."
AIDEN: "Oooo...bring me something?!"
URIEL: "Mischa did."
(...Pause...)
(...Longer pause...)
MISCHA: "…Hi..."

MISCHA: "We need an army...I will do my part...".
URIEL: "You...not smart ones..."
MISCHA: "Smite Me..."

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

AIDEN: “You didn’t make a deal to slay a dragon, did you?”
MISCHA: “…Maybe…”

AIDEN: “I turn into a Solar and fly 100 feet up.”
URIEL: “Oh great. Gay Hulk prance.”

MISCHA: “There had better be treasure or the GM is not going to be able to leave this building…”

AIDEN: “Well, I think it’s a bad idea.”
MISCHA: “Hey, you’re not supposed to be even talking!”
GM (to Aiden): “Yeah, you’re a mute, shut the fuck up!”

GM: "You need someone with Weaponsmith."
SEVARION: I have Blacksmith."
LEOPOLD: "Well, if we need to make something blunt, we'll call you."
PALARIAN: "I have Weaponsmith but not Blacksmith."
LEOPOLD: "So you can make a sword, but not a nail?"

MERIDAN (reffering to courage): "That horse of yours has got bigger balls than you."
LEOPOLD (not reffering to courage): "Of course, he does. He's a fucking horse! He's got bigger balls than everybody!"
MERIDAN: "How do you know? Have you seen them?"
INDIVIAN: "I have, I've been walking behind that damn thing for the past two days!"

MIRANDEN: "Someday, you're going to wake up and I will have cut that horse's balls off.
GM: "I assume they're already gone. Castration is bliss for a war horse...."
LEOPOLD: "I would never do that to him. We have been together for a long time. We have a sort of telapathic bound. If he was castrated, every thought I would receive from him would be, 'Fuck you'."

INDIVIAN: "Heal the Gnome. Heal the Gnome..."
GM: "The Gnome is hurt...and whining."

MIRANDEN: "We don't have the money for horses."
LEOPOLD: "Just acquire a couple of asses..."
INDIVIAN: "Ohhhh...Gnomish prostitutes..."
(Dead Silence...)

INDIVIAN: "If they could all fly, would they really need a carravan with wheels?"
MIRANDEN: "Well, if--"
INDIVIAN: "--Sh!"


IRONBELLY: "You want me to lay hands on you?"
LEOPOLD: "I would rather not be contaminated by your pagen rituals..."
IRONBELLY: "That's a no, anyone else?"

GM (to Elric and Miranden): "Oh, my God, you notice the sun rising in the East and setting in the West."
LEOPOLD: "And these are supposed to be our scouts..."
INDIVIAN: "Where did we hire these people?!"

IRONBELY: "I bless myself."
GM: "You're currently drowning, that won't help."
LEOPOLD: "Well, at least he'll go to Heaven."

INDIVIAN: "I can't believe you didn't see that. You are supposed to be our lookout."
ELRIC: "I missed it."
LEOPOLD: "It was a huge friggin' bird!"
ELRIC: "I didn't notice it."
LEOPOLD: "My HORSE noticed it!"

LEOPOLD: "What's your name?"
IRONBELLY: "Ironbelly."
LEOPOLD: "Is that your full name?"
IRONBELLY: "No."
LEOPOLD: "What's your full...never mind, I take that back."

CROWE: “They had you in a prison camp to?
MALLER: “Yeah, they had me dressed in lavandar. It was horrible.”
GM: “Roll to hit.”
Rolls…
CROWE: “34”
GM: “Holy shit…okay…you hit ten times.”
Damage…
CROWE: “45.”
GM: “okay…one guy is creamed. You literally blow off limbs…another fires at you. Roll to dodge…”
Rolls…
CROWE: “I’m screwed…4”
GM: “Okay…You’re hit ten times…”
CROWE: “Nice knowing you guys!”

SOMERVILLE: "What happened on Pandora?
MALLER: “It’s all Crowe’s fault.”
CROWE: “Hey the brothel paid off…we got the information we needed.”
RAWLINGS: “It just took you 6 hours to get it…”
HUDSON: “Suffice to say, shoreleave is cancelled.”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

(Crowe and Tara are in an alien spacecraft, hanging off a cliff...)
CROWE: " Tara, I want you on Motion, tell me anything that moves."
(At that point, a large vehicle drives off the cliff and plumits down towards them... )
TARA: "Does that count?"
(Crowe looks up...he sighs... )
CROWE: "I hate my life..."
GM (to Maller): " You are groggy so just talk normal and ocassionally say. uhh."
MALLER: "So no change from my regular speech patterns, then?"

CROWE: "I say kill everyone."
MALLER: "Let's try subtle. Can you do sublte?"

CROWE (to Maller): Seargeant, next time, capture an alien alive so I can test what sounds annoy them..."
(Long pause)
MALLER: "Go to hell."

GM (to Crowe): "What are you doing?"
CROWE (pointing to Maller): Mansturbating in his sock drawer."
MALLER: "Shows what you know, I don't have a sock drawer."

OCDUGAL: "Why don't we fly the dropship in to draw their fire and the Deterrant can swoop in and take out the Ion Cannon..."
CROWE: "The Deterrent should be able to take one shot. Plus we would just send missile. Long range, get their attention and use that as a diversion."
MALLER: "Hey, how about we talk our way in?"

(Crowe and Tara are in an alien spacecraft, hanging off a cliff...)
CROWE: " Tara, I want you on Motion, tell me anything that moves."
(At that point, a large vehicle drives off the cliff and plumits down towards them... )
TARA: "Does that count?"
(Crowe looks up...he sighs... )
CROWE: "I hate my life..."
GM (to Maller): " You are groggy so just talk normal and ocassionally say. uhh."
MALLER: "So no change from my regular speech patterns, then?"

CROWE: "I say kill everyone."
MALLER: "Let's try subtle. Can you do sublte?"

CROWE (to Maller): Seargeant, next time, capture an alien alive so I can test what sounds annoy them..."
(Long pause)
MALLER: "Go to hell."

GM (to Crowe): "What are you doing?"
CROWE (pointing to Maller): Mansturbating in his sock drawer."
MALLER: "Shows what you know, I don't have a sock drawer."

OCDUGAL: "Why don't we fly the dropship in to draw their fire and the Deterrant can swoop in and take out the Ion Cannon..."
CROWE: "The Deterrent should be able to take one shot. Plus we would just send missile. Long range, get their attention and use that as a diversion."
MALLER: "Hey, how about we talk our way in?"

EDGINGTON: "So who's responsible for this?"
CROWE: "The Obladon"
LOGAN: "Oblagon"
CROWE: "Oglagon"
LOGAN: "Oblagon!"
CROWE: "Oblakan"
LOGAN: "OBLAGON!"
MALLER AND OCDUGAL: "OBLAGON!"

CROWE: "They’re out of our scanning range…so I’m sure they can tell what color our teeth are.”
MALLER: “Paranoid much?”

GM (to Crowe in regards to the prison guards that have already sent him to the hospital once): "If they think for one second you are faking your illness, they are going to kick your ass..."
MALLER: "...S'more..."

GM (to Crowe): "Okay, you have a chance for one more computer roll..."
MALLER: "If you waste your last roll surfing for porn, I'm going to kill you."

MALLER: "Did you hear that ship last night?"
CROWE (moaning from his injuries): "No, I was listening to my arteries knit back together..."

CROWE: "Maller? Who the fuck is Spears?"
MALLER: "Don't ask..."
CROWE & OCDUGAL (Simultaneosly, same tone): "Maller? Who the fuck is Spears?"
MALLER: "We had an altercation."
OCDUGAL: "Did you hit him?

OCDUGAL: "Did your two faceless Marines just both role critical successes?"
G.M.: "Crap, I'm gonna have to make up names for these guys now aren't I?"
(later)
G.M.: "Okay, Privates Blake and Hammerson follow you..."
MALLER: "Ah, do good, and you shall be blessed with names."

SMYTHE: "Can we blow out the BioSpaceLab from the rest of the station?
GM: "Not without cutting a quarter of the station off with it..."
MALLER: "So we can do it then."

(OcDugal has been experimenting on the aliens, finally, it appears the experiment is a failure)
OCDUGAL: "I am so dissaponted...I was so ready. I so badly wanted to say, Oh my God! What have I done?"
(Later when the experiment breaks loose and aliens escape into the population...)
(The GM prompts OcDugal...who looks confused. The group looks at OcDugal...the GM waves a hand to prompt OcDugal again...)
OCDUGAL: "Ohhh..." (Totally deadpan) "Ahem. Oh my god. What have I done?"

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

MALACHI: “While they are gone, I slice off some Kobold for the meal tonight.”
MISCHA: “You’re an asshole cause I won’t know what they are and I’ll eat them anyway!"

MISCHA: “That Saint of yours. What’s her story?”
GM-TASIA: “I have a name!”
AIDEN: “Why don’t you ask her?”
MISCHA: “I am apprehensive about things that can’t be explained.”
AIDEN: “So, he won’t talk to her because he is afraid of what can’t be explained yet he wants US to explain her to him, which means that he believes that she CAN be explained…does that just make him a pussy that’s scared of women?”

GM: “Okay…nighttime. Who’s on watch?”
AIDEN: “We all wake up at 2 nd watch and we are all wearing our armor.”

AIDEN: You two are big, gay, bastards!”
MISCHA&URIEL: “Hey!”
AIDEN: “Okay, okay…your parents were married.”

GRANGER: "Everyone is psychic, even Brian's prostitutes?"
GM: "Yeah..."
GRANGER: "I guess she gives him 'mind'."

GM: You search around...All you see is Ice...Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Ice, Fur, Ice, Ice, Ice-"
TAKSHIRO: "--Heeeeey!"

GM: "Nighttime...who's on watch?"
MISCHA: "I am on watch."
URIEL: "I am also on watch."
AIDEN: "I let you go on watch."

GM: "All those that failed their FORT saves are stunned this round. You cannot attack or do anything."
(Aiden flips through the book while the GM continues his attack, and passes Aiden by, who failed his save)
AIDEN: "Ahaa!! You don't lose your attack when you are stunned!"
GM: "What?"
AIDEN: "Says right here: The character loses her Dexterity bonus to AC and can take no actions. Foes gain a +2 bonus to hit stunned characters...Oh."
GM: "Swing and a miss."

URIEL: "Through the mind of INT 28, "I'm hungry. I'm tired. Girls?"

MISCHA: "You want to nerf my strength?"
GM: "Two points...The Rune-Sieg armor does not stack with the Amethyst Bracers...You will drop from 29 to 27!! 27!!"
MISCHA: "But it’s my strength!!"
URIEL: "He's bitching. I can't believe he's bitching."

GM: “At the top of the hill, you notice a tent and a camel.”
EDWIN: “I hide…”
GM: “Anyone else hide?”
URIEL: “BE WARY THE CAMEL!! (long pause) …No man, we’re not hiding.”

(Uriel grabs a paper Aiden was trying to read, he crumples the paper and throws it to the ground. He then puts his hand over it, making a sound effect like he’s igniting the paper…)
MISCHA: “Making sound effects doesn’t make paper do anything…”
(pause)
URIEL: “…Thought it might…”

GM: “Okay the Colossal Air Elemental sucks Uriel up…it then attacks Misha…and hits! Grapple check!”
MISCHA: “34”
GM: “42…you are sucked up. You take 20 points of damage.”
AIDEN: “How about some rings of freedom of movement, guys?!”

AIDEN: “It’s the golden rule. He who has gold…rules…”
URIEL: “Then we take the gold.”
AIDEN: “It’s a figure of speech.”
URIEL: “STOP SPEAKING IN RIDDLES!!”

GM: “…and there is a moose mounted on the wall.”
URIEL: “A moose?”
MISCHA: “THAT EATS WALNUTS!!”
GM: “WHAT?!”

GM: “There is an amulet of health.”
URIEL&MISHA: “Dibbs!!”
AIDEN: “Who’s wearing Amulets of Natural Armor?”
URIEL: “Dammit!”
MISCHA: “Shit!”

AIDEN: “I can cast Commune…it’s a unique capacity of my class. Allows me to ask my god a question…”
MISCHA: “Try it…”
(Casts the spell)
AIDEN: “If we help the Saints, will it help our quest for Amethyst?”
GM (as God): “Unclear…”
MISHA: “What?”
AIDEN (sighs): “That’s a valid response.”
URIEL: “Oh great, it’s a @#$%& magic 8-ball” (imitates shaking a ball) “All signs point to Tuesday—WHAT?” (imitates throwing the ball away)
MISHA: “God is such a fucking cock!”
AIDEN: “It’s a valid response.”
URIEL: “Because the GM’s a dick!”

GM: “Okay, the church attacks back.”
URIEL: “What about me?”
GM: “You’re after.”
URIEL: “The BUILDING goes BEFORE me?”

MISCHA: “And then comes the Auron…wielding 2 axes in each hand!”
JONAS: “What?”
URIEL: “How is that possible?!”

AIDEN: “Time for Uriel to donate some words off wisdom about now.”
URIEL: “I’M LOST! I’M RUNNING! WE’RE DOOMED!”

GM: “Edwin, you see familiar constellations in the sky. Make up names, they’ll be right.”
EDWIN: “Oh look…it’s the…NOB…and the…SHAFT!”
MISCHA: “You guys have great names.”

AIDEN: “Take a golem…put a huge piece of beef inside…does not make it a cow.”
URIEL: “Meat golem…what a great idea! I want one…with sausage links for arms!”

URIEL: “You boast all these languages, Aiden, but you have not mastered the new tongue.”
AIDEN: “New?”
URIEL: “True Engrish…Mischa and I invented it. It’s got 36 words. 12 are for ‘cleave’, 12 for ‘fast’. The language is based on monster levels.”

MISCHA: “I track!!”
GM: “Roll—“
MISCHA: “Don’t bother. (points randomly) It went THAT way!”

URIEL: “We have been involved in the destruction of Sierra Madre, the massacre of Arx-Cis. We contributed to the destruction of the old Earth. Now, we just left a planet that was wiped out. You would think we would get experience for the people we killed…but noooooo…”
GM: “Apparently, it’s not a challenge for you…”

MISCHA: “I am ditching Command Plants…it’s a totally tit-useless spell.” (Points to thee ground)
“You!! GROW!!! SLOOOWLY!!”
(pause)
“MANUFACTURE OXYGEN!!”
(pause)
“PROCESS SOIL!!”
(pause)
“THIS…I COMMAND!”

GM: “Okay…time to get ready to game, people”
MISCHA: “I kill it!”
URIEL: “I kill it squared!”
JONAS: “I kill it cubed!”
AIDEN: “While they talk math, I kill it.”

MISCHA: “I search for food.”
(GM rolls randomly on some tables)
GM: “Okay…You find…wild onions…walnuts…and tobacco.”
MISCHA: “All in the same oak forest? This place is awesome!”

URIEL: “I have 12 hits points left!”
JONAS: “ONE!!!”
URIEL: “Oh right…”

AIDEN: “I may be the last true human in existence.”
URIEL: “All I heard was (high voice) I’m a queer”
(pause)
URIEL: “…I may have misquoted.”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

URIEL: “Why did you point the spell at his crotch?”
JONAS: “Apparently, it was easily accessible by the mage.”

MISCHA: “Is this how far you made it into the dungeon?”
(Raggazuba nods)
MISCHA: “But there was nothing. No fights. Was the kitchen too intimidating? There might have been a roast pork—FLEEE!!!”

MISCHA: “I had meatloaf…made of nuts…nut meat.”
URIEL: “A NUTLOAF… F$%^&@ rights, I want the recipe!”

GM: “You successfully dodge the 50 tonne dragon carcass as it slams onto the ground.”
MISCHA: “Shit no, I deflect!”
GM: “You can’t…50 tonnes!”
MISCHA: “I AM STRONG!” (pause)
GM: “Fine it hits you…”
(laughter from group)
GM: “You take 20 points of damage…then you push up from underneath, lifting part of the body up and you walk away…slamming the carcass behind you.”
MISCHA: (snaps his fingers) “…SOLD.”
URIEL: “Oh no way!”
MISCHA: “I AM THE BURNINATOR!!”
GM: “No just part of it…”
URIEL: “Part of 50 tones…is still a heck of a lot!”
MISCHA: “Hell no, I bench press it.”
JONAS: “Mischa was going to lie and say he picked it up anyway!”
AIDEN: “AND YOU GAVE HIM A SEED OF TRUTH!!”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

JONAS: “He’s being a Cumquat.”
URIEL: “Heh heh…He said qaut.”

MISCHA: “I toss Uriel in the air.”
URIEL: “My cloak grapples you and takes you with me.”
MISCHA: “OH…that’s a great idea”
URIEL: “Yeah!! We just throw each other in the air and tumble in the sky!”
MISCHA: “Oh, wow. That is the shittiest idea we’ve ever had.”
AIDEN: “You’ve been reduced to weights on a Bola.”

GM: “The tree roots seem to be the cause of the walls closing in.”
MISCHA: “I COMMAND PLANTS…OYE, F@#$% OFF!!”
GM: “You have Command Plants…actually handy for a time like this?”
MISCHA (whimper): “No…I never had it…it’s just Mischa yelling at a whole bunch of trees.”
GM: “All this time.”
MISCHA (Trying not to laugh): “I commanded them to grow and they did…I always thought I had the power.”
URIEL (Trying not to laugh): “YOU LIED TO ME!! I TRUSTED YOU!”

AIDEN: “It’s a Very Old Blue Dragon. We can’t take that. Do you have a scroll of slay dragon?”
URIEL (looks at his list): “By slay dragon you mean CURE LIGHT WOUNDS!!!!”


GM: “You’re really not supposed to do that.”
URIEL: “Not supposed to…OR should!!”

Aiden casts a spell with generates a door…through this door leads into a pan-dimensional mansion with multiple floor and plumbing…everything…
GM: “…There are paintings of Aiden everywhere.”
AIDEN: “There certainly are not”
GM: “…And he is glistening with oil—“
AIDEN: “#$%& off”
GM: “…and there is a statue in the center.”
MISCHA: “I knew it.”
AIDEN: “There is no such thing.”
GM: “There is a theme park…with rides…you must be “this” high to ride Aiden.”
JONAS: “Ewwwwww…”
AIDEN: “Go to hell.”

GM: “It strikes you for 21 points of damage.”
URIEL: “OWCH!! Okay…obviously, you wanna fight.”

URIEL: “Is it possible for me to make knowledge roll to see if these guys have a weakness?”
GM: “What kind of knowledge roll?”
URIEL: “Religion?”
AIDEN: “I don’t think they’re catholic.”

MISCHA: “My god, this note is like a choose your own adventure.”
AIDEN: “Ever read the Gary Gygax ones…did anyone actually roll dice?”
URIEL: “If you choose yes, go to Page 58….CRAP…I died. LUCKILY, I had my finger on the page!”

MISCHA: “I have a ring invisibility.”
URIEL: “Put it on…I can still see you.”
MISCHA: “NO YOU DON’T!!!”
URIEL (to GM): “I don’t know where the angry guy is.”
MISCHA: “Good answer…”

Jots down…
GM: “Okay….I’ll take off one of your 50 xp penalties for that one…
URIEL: “MARZIPAN!!”
Jots down…
GM: “And back on it goes again…”
AIDEN (to Uriel): “Why?”
URIEL: “I don’t know…”

MISCHA: “I like how this group decides where to go…Let’s go North.”
URIEL&AIDEN: “EAST!!!”
(pause)
MISCHA: “Lets go east…”

MISCHA: “…Is it a “stackable” bonus?!”
GM: “Oh would you stop that shit!”
URIEL: “Oh…no, then it would be an unstackable bonus…HEY. A +3 unstackable bonus would stack with a stackable bonus!”
MISCHA: “…This game is so dumb.”

GM: “The vorpal critical strikes you Uriel…you are reduced to zero hit points and are deflected 50 feet from the battle area.”
URIEL: “…What…sorry, I couldn’t hear you. You know, with the cock in your mouth.”

GM: “Can Mischa speak elvish?”
MISCHA: “Try it…”
EDWIN: “I test it. I insult him in elvish.”
GM: “He hits you anyway…”

AIDEN: “Don’t you remember Kaid’s gun?”
URIEL: “You mean the one that never ran out of ammo?”
GM: “No, the other one, the Porto Tuning Laser?”
URIEL: “Oh…that one…that never ran out of ammo.”
JONAS: “So he never got bullets then?”
URIEL: “No…he just…fired…bolts of Homosexuality.”

URIEL: “I want to take an exalted feat!”
GM: “…but your character acts like such a nob!”
URIEL: “Fine then! You want the nob!? We’re going for the nob! You’re getting the nob!!”
MISCHA: “This should make the quote’s page”

URIEL: “Give us the phone!”
MISCHA: “GIVE US THE PHONE!”
URIEL: “THE PHONE!!!”
MISCHA: “We’ll just get louder!!”
URIEL: “…regardless if you give us the phone or not!!”

URIEL: “I stay and defend Ilion…FUCK I can’t. I’m almost dead. I spring attack the fuck out of there.”
GM: “Fine, leave your dragon…”
URIEL: (Sigh) “I go back in…”
GM: “…so easy to manipulate…”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

BEN: “Can’t I just roll for my history?”
GM: “Fine… okay… childhood…. roll D10”
BEN: “2.”
GM: “Your parents sold you for money.”
ROY : “Right on!”
BEN: “Mommy?”

BEN: “Could I have some C-38?”
GM: “50 grams of C-16 destroyed a building.”
BEN: “Get a pound.”
GREGORI: “Great, now there’s a hole in the Earth.”

GM: “The tank is coming up behind you.”
BEN: “Can I jump on it?”
GM: “Maybe…the driver of your car can slow down a bit.”
GEGORI: “What are you doing?”
BEN: “Going to jump on the tank.”
GREGORI: “ARE YOU INSANE!?”
ROY : “I can’t believe you actually thought that was a good idea!”

GM: “What’s your contact’s name?”
ROY : “I have to change it…I noticed I already named another guy in my history the same.”
GM: “Couldn’t think of something new?”
ROY : “No…Its Jimmy Dean, Jimmy, Jim Bob!!”

BEN: “Get its cyberbrain out…I slice into its scalp and take out its cyberbrain!”
GM: “What?”
ROY: “You have a knife?”
BEN: “Yes I do.”
GM: “Okay…you start cutting into the head of the girl/android…a tour bus comes alongside you.”
BEN: “Hey…um…”
ROY: “Cutting into its head is not going to help.”
BEN: “It might.”
GREGORI: “You’re not helping!”

GREGORI: “I hack into this thing!”
GM: “Directly…that could be dangerous! Fry your brain…”
GREGORI: “I don’t care.”
ROY (imitating Gregori in a dumb voice): “Hello…how are you! You want to come over…I bake cookies for you.”

ROY : “I am an ex assassin. I killed a lot of people.”
GREGORI: “But you’ve lived in Japan for the past five years. Face it, you’re a coaster pussy.”

ROY : “I am going to check on this guy Chandri.”
GREGORI: “I think its short for Chandri Bhat.”
( Roy attempts a Gather Information roll and Fails)
ROY : “I think he Indian…”
GREGORI: “Thank you, Captain Commander.”

GM: “His name is Chandri.”
GREGORI: “Chandra.”
GM: “No…Chandra built the HAL 9000…this is Chandri.”
GREGORI: “Chandra was supposed to be Indian to…till he got played by the blonde white guy that owns NBC on Seinfeld.”

GM: “You enter and see lots of books…paper books. Antiques.”
BEN: “A libary.”.
GM: “Libary!?”
ROY : “Yeah, its not his fault.”

ROY : “I use my cloak to appear as one man.”
GM: “But you are one man.”

GM: “Please remove all firearms and place them in the tray.”
ROY : “Okay…three knives, a pistol.”
GREGORI: “My pistol…that’s it.”
BEN: “Pistol, ‘nother pistol, spare in my ankle holster, my 10 gauge shotgun, the stun-tonfas--”
GREGORI: “Are you retarded?!”
ROY : “That’s subtle!”
GREGORI: “You brought a shotgun!?”
BEN: “I didn’t know what to expect!”
GREGORI: “We’re going into a corporation…I mean what the fuck is wrong with you!?"

BEN: “I play a cyborg who loves normal food.”
GREGORI: “What happens to it?”
BEN: “I dunno, I assume it gets compacted and I just release a little owl pellet.”
ROY: “Yeah, that’s really too much information.”

GREGORI: “He sounds like Donald Duck with Tourettes.”

ROY: “She’s got a cyborg body…she should weigh like 400 lbs!”
GM: “She knows how to handle herself. She’s very agile.”
GREGORI: “Doesn’t change the fact she’s got a bit Crisco in the can.”

GM: “Behind the trigger of the .50 calibre machine gun is a huge woman…I mean like six-feet in every direction. She sprays the area.”
ROY: “With flem…”
GREGORI: “I dive behind the nearest car.”
GM: “You dive behind a Skoda. You see a homeless man there…”
HOMELESS MAN: “Hey man, what’s happening?”
GREGORI: “Stay the #$%& down!”
BEN: “That’s a nasty ass fat chick. Share, you bitch!!”
(After, the fat lady is arrested and taken away. Police arrive and ask the Hobo what happened)
HOMELESS MAN: “It was agents from Sara Lee and they were #$%& pissed.”

ROY: “I pose as a hobo. I throw up occasionally.”
GM: “Okay…you see the building. It’s locked up.”
ROY: “I pick the lock. I retch occasionally.”
GM: “Retching will not really cover you picking a lock.”

BEN (announcing): “Public Security.”
GM: “Do you have ID?”
BEN: “YES!
(A long pause)
BEN: “OH, wait…yes…actually I do.”
(Bean shows the ID)
GM: “Sir, that’s a stick of gum.”
BEN: “Above it…”
(Guards checks it over)
BEN: “Yeah, I forgot I am legit now.”

GREGORI: “It looks a lot like the concert Pianist, James Bannerman.”
ROY : “The Hulk?”
GM: “That’s Bruce Banner, you idiot.”
ROY (slamming fists down): “HULK PLAY PIANOOO!!!”

VINCENT: “I light up a smoke.”
GM: “There is no smoking in space.”
VINCENT: “We’ll, I’ll just have to inform you after the fact!”
GREGORI: “Do you have to smoke?”
VINCENT: “My patches need smokes!”

BEN: “I’m using my stun tonfa. He takes 12 points of damage and must make a DC18 fort save of fall unconscious.”
GM: “Doesn’t matter, the 12 points crushes his skull.”
GREGORI: “BEN!”
BEN: “Sorry!”
ROY : “We want them ALIVE!”
BEN: “I was using my stun tonfa!”
( Roy imitates Ben with a huge downward clubbing motion)
ROY : “WHAM!!” (Points at the ground) “You’re stunned!!”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

GM: “Okay, you shoot the giant wolf that falls to the ground.”
GREGORI: “This is not real. It must be a fabricated reality.”
ROY: “Sure…you actually shot a homeless man. Got any wine!? BLAMM!!”

ROY: “We need some kind of radar that picks up Cyborgs.”
BEN: “CYDAR!”
ROY: “…I hate you with my brain.”

ROY: “I stand by my last statement.”
GM: “You like pie?”

BEN: “I am almost at level 6…whats the difference between 5 and 6?”
GM: “Uhh….1…”

BEN: “There were two guys…identical…in two different places.”
GREGORI: “Well, he didn’t split himself in two via fission.”
ROY: “Via Fishing? Awesome, I didn’t know you could do that!”

GREGORI: “Ben was captured first.”
ROY : “They used his afro.”
BEN: “It wasn’t that bad.”
ROY : “They found you from SPACE!”

GREGORI: “He’s from England.
”ROY : “ England…Japan?”
GREGORI: “How did you get this job?!”

GM: “Did you fart?”
BEN: “No.”
GM (to Roy): “Must have been you.”
ROY : “No way, If it was me, I would have reveled in it.”
(Roy pretends to fart, then stretches his arms in victory): “YEAH!!!”

GM: “Okay, the 7-foot tall officer moves towards you.”
ROY: “Oh great, our Lord humangous!”
GM: “What do you do?”
(Pause)
ROY: “This is Anime, right?”

GM: “Okay, the bike explodes!”
ROY: “Wohoo! Wait, who’s bike was that?”
GM: “Gregori’s.”
ROY: “WOHOOO!!”

GM: “One guy dies in the explosion of the bike. The other eight walk your way.”
ROY: “Okay, this is not going according to plan.”
BEN: “Good thing your an assassin, eh Sharron?”
ROY: “I have no weapons! No armor! All I have is a fork from a bike as a weapon
BEN: “Hey, last week on Macgyver, he made an arc welder from a car battering, jumper cables an an antennae!”

ROY: “I shoot once than jerk myself back down.”
GM: “How can you do that?”
GREG: “Is that physicially possible?”

ROY: “I attack the new guy…no…wait. I’m still engaged to the first guy.”
BEN: “Give the guy a ring, then you can be engaged to both of them.”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com

BEN: “While you are in a body cast, I write vulgarities over you….Like “I suck cock” with an arrow to your mouth.”
ROY: “With your intelligence, you’ll spell it wrong…”I like dock!” Why did you spell me with a 3?”

GM: “You kick the thug out the windows, he falls thirty stories. Falling….Falling…finally, he crashes through the truck he arrived in. Any poignant words to mark his defeat?”
BEN (best Schwarzenegger accent): “Sub zero…now, plain zero!”
GM: “Can you do a little better then that?”
BEN: “GET TO DU CHAPPAA!”

GM: “Okay, the last guy falls.”
GREG: “I still have like 10 where I am”
BEN: “Don’t worry, I have lots of bullets.”
GM: “So do the walls.”

ROY: “Let’s find out who wants us dead, then?”
GREG: “Well, the only lead I wanted to pursue was with the HLF.”
BEN: “Didn’t I kill them?”
ROY: “Yeaaaaaahhhh…”

BEN: “I go in Cafetaria and get me a pie. I just fold it half and eat in whole.”
ROY: “Oh my god, you ate the plate.”
BEN: “Its all good.”
GM: “Sir, that was a hubcap.”

ROY: “Talk to Greg…He’s got something.”
BEN: “I don’t want it.”

GM: “You enter the hosptital and find Sharron strapped in a medical chair.”
ROY: “Yesss Clarice….”

ROY: “Anyone for Blizzards?”
GREG: “Yes.”
BEN: “No, I can’t. I ate.”
ROY: “Just go take a SHIT!”
BEN: “What…it doesn’t work that way. It shouldn’t work that way!”

GM: “What’s your contact’s name?”
BEN: “I never gave him a name.”
ROY: “And you always complain about not having any role playing!”
GM: “Just give me a Japanese name.”
BEN: “Taka…”
GM: “Full name.”
BEN: “…Sharkattacka…”
GM: “Taka Sharkattacka. No way….something better.”
BEN: “Taka….Itsinmypantsa”

GREG: “Oh god is that a “Ho Ho?!”
BEN: “What’s a Ho Ho?”
ROY: “Its like a Ding-Dong.”
GM: “Ding Dong?!”
BEN: “Why have a Ding Dong when you can have King Dong”
GREG: “What?”
BEN: “It’s real.”
ROY: “They thought Ding Dong wasn’t enough, so they made King Dong.”
GM: “That is so awesome.”

GM: “I played Axis and Allies once…I think I got second.”
ROY: “So you lost.”
GM: “There were more than two players.”
ROY: “There are only two sides….AXIS…and ALLIES.”
GM: “Then I lost.”
ROY: “What were you playing then….Axis & Allies & Indians!”
BEN: “Axis & Allies & Indians &…uhh…UFOs.”
GREG: “Axis & Allies & the wife, the cook, and her lover.”

GREG: “Whats his name…Ibo…”
GM (correcting): “Kawai.”
GREG: “Oh right.”
GM: “Wow, you didn’t get a single part of that right.”

ROY: “Okay….I will deal with Sunzec. Greg, you handle Okura. Ben, you deal with the Drugs.”
BEN (long pause): “…Drugs…?”
(longer pause)
ROY: “…Yes, DRUGS!!”

GREG: “So whats the deal with Sunzec. They are a mining corporation.”
BEN: “They’re digging holes?”
GREG: “That’s stupid.”
BEN: “Their digging holes to China?”
GREG: “That’s still stupid.”
(pause)
BEN: “….They’re robbing banks?”

ROY: “We got a space dumper rocket that fires nuclear waste into the sun. And we have Heroion.”
GREG: “What does it mean? How do they connect?”
ROY: “I think its safe to say they are not firing Heroin into the sun!”

SAKO: “Wait a minute, what happens to me if we fail.”
SHARRON: “You won’t feel a thing?”
SAKO: “What?!”
BEN: “He’s joking, Captain. Don’t worry. We will take you out….of the country.”

BEN: “Do you want to lend me 17,000 xp?”
SHARRON: “Do you want to die in a car fire?”

(Ben is asked to roll. He throws the die. It does not spin in the air and lands without jostle nor deviation. He rolls a 1)
BEN: “Wow…I think fate decided that rolled before I rolled it.”

_________________
“I despise stallions. I ride them as I ride an ugly noble women--smiles for appearances and politics only. Stallions. All personality with no depth. They prance like ponies and trot with arrogance. I always say, respect your mules most of all. A stallion may lead with the king and gather the eyes, but a mule will follow behind…and carry your kingdom.”
Tsarevick Kazaan
Amethyst D20

http://www.diasexmachina.com